Stopping to smell, I mean arrange, the roses.... Today while cutting these roses God reminded me of the verse in John that says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5. Apart from God we can do nothing....just one example of another simple, yet not so simple, truth from His Word (and this verse) for me to meditate on in this season of life.
I'm going to be completely honest and say that this season of life for me has been very tough spiritually, emotionally, everything-ally... I was laid off from my job the day before Thanksgiving and am still unemployed. At first, I really enjoyed being able to savor being with my family through the holidays and not feel like I was rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off. I took pleasure in being able to stop and enjoy moments that I traditionally had not been able to because I was working. I could have my quiet time anytime during the day without fear of interruptions because my kids were in school, I actually was able to complete the studies we were doing in my small group, and dinner was always before 7, which had not been happening while I was working my last job. This feeling of freedom and enjoyment soon turned to sadness, confusion, and ultimately desperation. Sadness because I love to work...I am not a good stay at home mom. I have the utmost and greatest respect for those who do it day in and day out, but I am not one of those women. Confusion because I did pray for God to move me away from my job, but I honestly thought it would be immediately into another one...I can hear God chuckling at His perfect plan and how I still don't see it, but I am trying to be faithful in waiting. Desperation is just the latest in the emotional tsunami that I have felt. Desperate because I want to be in His will and want the next step to be only for His glory, not mine. Desperate to walk with Him so closely that I know 150% what He does and does not want for not just me, but my husband and my children.
Long story short, there are days I feel like I am drowning and then there are days I feel so excited in the possible directions God is leading me. One of them is this blog. To get down to it and be completely raw for a moment, I didn't want to start blogging again...I have felt God pushing me to blog again since mid December. I really didn't start until last month...I have kicked and screamed the whole way, making excuse after excuse as to why it's a bad idea, but I started. I don't know why He has put it on my heart and I don't know the direction, but I am blogging...blogging about life...that's all I can do.
The verse above struck a cord with me today so I opened my Bible and read the whole section of the beginning of John 15. Just like my rose bush needs to be pruned so that it will grow and be even bigger, I need to have God prune my life. I need to have Him cutting into my heart and showing me the sin that needs to be dealt with and the areas of my life that I feel are important, but truly don't further the kingdom or His will for my life. If I don't stay connected to Him, like a vine to a branch, then I am not receiving the fullness God has to offer. Instead I am doing what I want, when I want, how I want...and that is not abiding in God and the truths of His Word.
It's not always pleasant to have to go through the process, but the result will always be worth it. I am incredibly thankful for Godly people in my life too...family, friends, the sweet girlfriends in my small group, and especially my hubby! I know they will all be so glad when I get a job... :)
I may not have the answers to what is coming next for me, but I know that it will be in God's perfect timing and will be His best. I will have bad days and good days but I know that God is always there for me, to catch me when I fall, love me when I am unloveable, give me mercy and grace when I do not deserve either, and He will always give me His best.
And in the meantime, as a gentle reminder, I will have beautiful roses adorning my kitchen table.
xo-
heather
